For reference, I will now lovingly refer to my trip to the psych ward as my trip to Bali. I've decided to change the narrative and I don't care if anybody else thinks it's silly, it makes me feel better!
If you haven't read my last post, it might be wise to go back and read it. If you remember correctly, I had a lot of stressors in my life recently. For example, my birthday did NOT go well, my cat died the day after and we're also doing construction... so our house isn't even a safe haven right now.
I don't know about anybody else but when my life is full of stress or trauma, I may not sleep or eat. When I broke up with an ex-boyfriend I had trouble eating, when my dad passed away almost 7 years ago, I couldn't sleep. I also want to highlight that life has changed. I am a 40-year-old woman who has had two kids and I also couldn't sleep because I was having bladder issues. THANK YOU children. (I adore them, but just pointing out the realities). So my husband suggested I go and see the doctor. Just the regular doctor who I love and adore and was excited to go see her because maybe she could help me with a appetite stimulant or a pill for my overactive bladder. Sorry for the TMI..
So when I got to the doctor's office she saw that I was in some kind of form! Reminder. I had only slept 3 hours the day before and the day before and the day ... and keep going! So she used the word mania which sent me into a tail spin!!!!!! I have recently started the blog and have been on a journey of meditation and spirituality. So when she use the word mania I told her I am not Kanye West. That might sound like a joke but I thought she was referencing the fact that I may be bipolar . So I got really really scared. She spoke with my therapist, described my symptoms and then they said I should go to the ER. So I headed off to the ER. I called my husband on the way and he met me there. We discussed that maybe a trip to Bali wouldn't be the worst idea in the world. I think we may have rushed our decision.
When I got to the hospital I was clearly nervous, I have never done this before. I eventually got admitted and was put on a bed in the middle of the hallway. And it was just one disaster after another. A nurse practitioner stopped by and asked me why I was there and when I told her she asked what is going on; what would you like to talk about it. And I just looked at her like where's the privacy. You know it's not as if I broke my leg. We're talking about getting admitted to Bali and I wasn't going to discuss my feelings in front of everybody. I joked would you like me to give my TED talk now?
So I waited and waited and waited and spoke with social workers and waited some more and eventually I had to be transported to Bali about a half hour away in a hospital. I know, waaaaaay better than the normal flight. However, I had to ride in a gurney, in an ambulance and be driven to another facility. I want to point out that I had my car at the first hospital, I was fully capable of walking and I was told that it has to go this way because of insurance. Insurance...UGH! I live in the United States and our insurance is terrible but I'm a good girl and I followed the rules. I did point out that there is no way in God's green earth that I am paying $800 or whatever invoice they send me for an ambulance ride that I did not want. So just putting that out there!
When I got to Bali I luckily arrived during the evening shift change. I was brought to my room by an aid who had to see my naked body to make sure I wasn't self-harming. And then there was no place for me to wait while they finished their shift change and did intake. I was bothering my roommate between my tears and the fact that I didn't just want to sit in the dark. I asked them what I could do and basically I was put in the restraint room and I was sitting on the floor and crying. And when I asked for a cup of coffee while I waited for them to finish the shift change and start intake, I was told there is no coffee because it's too late for a stimulant. Eventually I got in a screaming fight with one of the nurses because I felt like I wasn't being treated like a human being. The next morning I looked through my patient Bill of Rights and I asked to speak with whoever's in charge and I explained to them what happened and how I don't believe I was treated with respect or dignity and those are my first two rights as a patient. So take that, Bali!!!!!
That being said, it started off rocky but it actually wasn't a bad experience. I needed to learn the rules and they should have been posted somewhere because there were so many rules. But I try to understand... because people come to Bali with many issues and some of them do want to self harm. I was not one of them. If I'm being honest, I was probably the healthiest person at Bali. And I ended up making friends, and they were all nice people. And it was less stress because there was nothing to do. I was able to get released on Monday with a" plan" in place. So I felt better about everything.
The one MAJOR issue for me is SHAME. My journey is about SHAME. I had a lot of SHAME growing up and I had a lot of SHAME in my drinking and now I have SHAME about my trip to Bali. And as a society I know we're moving in the direction where we can talk openly about mental health and how it affects us. But today I'm still processing my SHAME and the one thing I know for certain, at least for me, is that I don't want to feel SHAME anymore. I don't want to keep secrets. I meant it when I started this blog, I want to Grow in Grace & Gratitude. Leading with light is my journey. Sharing kindness is my journey. My first 40 years on this earth were kind of miserable and the next 40 I want them to be filled with laughter and love, and light and joy. Good times are a coming!. And I know that life isn't always roses and butterflies and sunshine, but I actually like myself now. For the first time in 40 years I actually LOVE myself and I don't want to have secrets and I want to release my shame... All of it... even Bali.
XOXO,
Gigg
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