Adult life was like a train chugging along; Work, Kids, Drink, Sleep, and Repeat. Doesn't that sound glorious?!? It was what I had always wanted ... All of it.... since I was a little girl. I was told that I have to get a good job. So I did! I have two kids - boy and girl. I have a great husband... we were practically perfect <BARF> but yet on the inside I was anxious, depressed and only cared about wine. I was on a path to destruction..... and pretty damn quickly. One morning I woke up and I was done, I knew that something had to change and so I pulled the emergency brake. My life, as I knew it came to a screeching halt when I decided to give up alcohol. This isn't breaking news... I already described my relationship with alcohol . This is about the painful, excruciating work it took to stop the forward movement and pivot into another direction.
I had been on a path of destruction, a journey of dark days, low points and not recognizing myself. And that first year of sobriety was solely about pivoting. I had to, with all my might, turn just a little bit every day away from that destructive path. There was so much darkness there, so much shame. How do you even begin to move in a different direction? You find help, you seek others with similar experiences, you go inward and look at yourself and where you actually want to be in this world. I started the back breaking work of looking at my life, more objectively. Is this what I want? Am I happy with the way I am raising my kids? All those fights with the hubs, is it really his fault or am I perhaps not communicating my needs appropriately and am starting to feel resentment at him for something I can change? God, its painful to be aware of your own shortcomings BUT once you become aware, you can actually make changes! Who knew?
I know that probably can sound like a load of bologna, what is she even talking about? People can't change. Yes, they can! It takes a lot of work and more strength then I could ever imagine! But we can! We are not stuck, we are beings who evolve and have evolved for centuries. Giving up alcohol was the best thing that I could have ever done for myself. Last year I pivoted, I changed my direction. I evolved. And I am so grateful I did.
My world is open to so many possibilities that would not have existed before! Of course there are limitations- I can't run off to Mexico on a whims notice!!! Well I could, but then I might not be married anymore!! And I'm not saying to "Eat Pray Love" your way around the world, buuuuuuuut it does sound nice doesn't it????!!!?? There are always responsibilities but we can prioritize what we want and focus on things that can be changed. We can put our energy and time into something that interests us. I'm choosing to take that path that's less traveled, the path of the unknown the path that isn't safe. But there's something in my heart that's telling me to follow it. I feel it my gut, my intuition says to do it. When I meditate I can hear the calls of the universe. If I can follow what feels good in my heart.... then that's where my light is. That's where I should focus my energy and THIS is where my journey begins.. All I have done so far is change my trajectory. I pivoted and I'm sure as hell glad I did.
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