I feel as if my life will be known in two phases from now on... Pre-Bali and Post-Bali. Pre-Bali, I thought I was finding my niche. I thought I had inner confidence for the first time in my life. I thought I had found my way by spreading kindness where I could and by sharing my journey. I thought I had found INNER PEACE!!! I thought I was SPECIAL. And not in the special way that my Mom thinks I am special BUT the special way that my life has been hard and I have had obstacles and I thought I deserved to be SPECIAL.. maybe even famous. Gwynth Paltrow has a blog... maybe she will want to interview me.... or what about the Today Show, how come they aren't calling??? In hindsight, maybe the trip to Bali was a tad justified. (And let me just say I don't even want to be famous. Who wants to be famous??? It sounds awful... and truthfully my precious ego couldn't handle what celebs go thru..) And then BAM I went to Bali. I lost my footing. I lost what grounded me. I was too busy chasing a spiritual enlightenment that I forgot WHERE I was and WHO I was. I thought my blog was over. I thought my life was over. How can you bounce back from a mental institution? I don't know!!!! But what I am finding out is that nobody can save me but ME.
So here I am.... I WAS trying to find my inner peace and now WHAT DO I DO????!!!???? In a Post-Bali world, all I know is that I HAVE to move forward. There is NO other option. I still believe in finding inner peace and I'm not done with my path to enlightenment and I'm not done with my sobriety!!! But I HOW DO I move forward from my trip to Bali?!?!?! I get back to basics!!! And that for me is journaling, zooms, exercise and listening to podcasts. And not even sobriety podcasts. Podcasts to keep my head out of my thoughts and in something light. I find sobriety and life to be really heavy at times and I want something light in my ears to just alleviate a little bit of pain. Sometimes laughter is the best medicine, right?
"Inner peace refers to a state of being mentally and spiritually at peace with enough knowledge and understanding to keep oneself strong in the face of stress." B.T. Barua
So here I am back to baby steps because baby steps when you look back are ACTUALLY really big. THEY ADD UP!!! I've only been sober for 320+ days and I lost my gratitude for where I came from. If that little lost soul on day zero, could see where I am now, she'd be BEAMING with pride. Why aren't I proud of me? Where's my grace on my own journey? Why can't I enjoy the view even if it's not at the top of the mountain?
I said that no one can save me but me and that's true. But I am learning that I need connection and validation to remind myself that this journey doesn't have to be lonely. People can support us and love us and validate our feelings... with our warts, drinking problems, trips to Bali and all.
I may not be special and I may never be famous, but my journey is mine and it'll take as long as it'll take, but it'll be worth the ride. I hope you join me as I continue to look inwards for peace. I can always use a friend!
XOXO,
Gigg
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