So this is probably one of the harder blogs that I'm going to have to write. My relationship with alcohol is complicated! As of December 28, 2021 I am a non-drinker.... The end. That's the story. That's all folks!
Oh, how I wish it was.... So I just want to start this out by saying to each their own. I have absolutely zero judgement and no problems with anyone's drinking. Who am I to judge?? I, Jen, was not a responsible drinker. I have a lot of shame around that, but this is where the Growing in Grace & Gratitude kicks in.
"Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of shame". - Brene Brown
So let's start with drinking and high school. Now, this is probably the normal time where the curious adolescent picks up the alcohol and starts to imbibe. That was not me. As mentioned in my introduction, I was a Catholic school girl and not the bad kind. I was the good girl. I knew drinking was bad, I knew drugs were bad. I was wary of boys and their one track minds. So my high school experience was really one of staying away from that kind of stuff. Until we got to my senior year and that glorious summer between senior year of high school and freshman year of college the summer where everything seems to be the end but also the start of something new and fresh and exciting. So there was some alcohol that summer but nothing crazy. It just kind of made me feel relaxed.... Normal... more sure of myself. Maybe I was better with alcohol. Is that possible?!? Will this magic potion fix my insecurities and make me a popular girl?? Let's give it a whirl!
And then off to college. The Jesuit school of drinking in basements. Now there are many, many many stories here and I am not going to go into any of them. Let's just say the nickname "Fall Down Jen" was given and it was not far off the mark. But we're also reintroducing boys into the mix! Now, that's not to say I was a nun prior to college but I wasn't around boys often! So throw that into the mix and you've got a very insecure and very very drunk Jen. I will say that I was NOT promiscuous, even though it none of your business, thankyouverymuch!
So now I have graduated with a degree in nothing. And its off to the races in the BIG BAD WORLD! Its time to find your path and make a life of our own, and experience the joy of true independence, and work and,,,,, FUCKING 12-hour work days!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAH Life got hard and I didn't know how to handle it. The structure and the routine of school was gone and here was a world full of adults and what do adults do, they drink! And here I was living in Hoboken New Jersey working in Manhattan doing the hard stuff and drinking the drinks and partying the partying. I mean where did I even meet my husband on a rooftop bar overlooking Manhattan. We already told the kids we met at a church dance. ;)
And now to the marriage and kid parts. You know all the things that are supposed to fix us that don't? Isn't that the picture of perfection? Beautiful bride, happy husband, two kids, one boy, one girl! Oh don't get me wrong. I dearly love my husband and all of his strengths and flaws. He is my rock. He has stuck by me through some really dark times and I appreciate him more than words could say. And as for my children, I am doing this for them. They are my light and my reason why everyday I hope to be better for them. But let's get real for a second.... struggles of motherhood are HARD! And wine seems like the perfect way to cope. Its encouraged! How can you even possibly do it without wine? I think they even throw it at you in Labor and Delivery. It's the mommy coping mechanism, right? If you don't drink, what's wrong with you?
And then came the horrible crippling low of alcohol abuse. The 3:00 a.m. anxiety, oh... the self-deprecating anxiety. The self-hatred. The shakes. The nausea. How can I keep doing this to myself? I hate myself so much. Why does anybody love me? It just seemed to all spiral out of control and one morning I woke up and I didn't even know who I was anymore and that's when I stopped drinking. When I couldn't find joy and having a truly EMPTY glass of wine... when there was no fun, when all it did was hurt and it didn't remove the pain anymore. It was time to be done.
So I went back to a support system I had tried and tried and tried previously. The I Am Sober app or as we lovingly refer to it as IAS. This community is like no other. They will lift you up to the highest of highs and they will sit with you during the lowest of lows. This is where I'm learning to be vulnerable and to grow and to change and to release the shame of drinking. And this is the start of Growing in Grace & Gratitude. I'm releasing the shame of my alcohol and I'm moving towards the light and I'm ready for what comes next and I have the faith to follow thru.
XOXO,
Gigg
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